Helping Others Through Grief

It's hard to watch someone grieve without wanting to "fix" it. We just want to make their pain go away. We search for words or actions that will make them better, but nothing seems to do the trick.

Our best intentions aren’t good enough. Why? Because you can’t fix grief. The grieving person isn’t a squeaky doorknob or a broken fence. When things break, we can fix them, but when a person is broken, it takes more than WD-40 and a power tool.

There are some things we can do, however. If you are close to someone who is grieving and you don’t know what to do, try these:

·      Be quiet. Giving advice, telling your own story, and sharing information are not helpful. A grieving person needs people who are willing to listen if they want to talk, or who can just “be there” if they don’t want to be alone.

·      Be supportive. If a grieving person wants to talk, allow them to say anything they want to say. If they want to laugh, laugh with them. If they want to cry or scream, allow them to do so. If they want to go to the grave, let them. If they want to search for answers, give them permission. Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

·      Be patient. They aren’t on your timetable. They won’t “get better” when you want them to. They won’t deal with it they way you would. No matter how hard it is for you, allow them to experience the slow process of grief.

·      Be second. Don’t take over unless they want you to. They are hurting, but they are still in charge of their own lives. Don’t speak on their behalf or make any decisions for them without their consent.

The best thing we can do for someone who is grieving is to allow them to grieve in their own way and according to their own timetable. Our job is to love them as we walk beside them. It may not be comfortable for us, but it will help them tremendously.